Midnight Anxiety

It’s a tap tap tap of my foot
Or just in my head
Not always outward
Sometimes inward
It’s a buzz
But a disconcerting one
It’s tense
Intense
I’m tense
In a tent
Of blankets
Hiding in a fortress
Made of comfort cloths
A child’s cave
For make believe
But here
An adult’s seclusion zone
Of safety

​

It’s a midnight silence
Filled with noise
That no one else can hear
Because no one else
Is making it
It’s a slow minute
Passing one after the other
Whilst the eyes go on blinking
In the light of the screen
That I put to rest
And then reach for again
When I get restless
From lying still
But so far from stillness

​

It’s a list of faces
On that screen
Showing me those not with me
Who are still privy
To the ongoing night
And for those who are passing it
Unaware
In their subconscious imagination
It tells me
The minutes that have lapsed
Since they were last
Awake to the world

​

It’s the internal movement
Of my body and brain
That wants to connect
To one of these familiar faces
To joke
To distract
To divert my mind
From the constant tapping
And engage my hand
Away
From the pulling of the threads
Attached to my head
My damned head
But it is already a new morning
And the world will work on
So I won’t keep them
From the short respite
That the night promises

​

It’s the dread
Of the impending sunrise
A picture of beauty
And serenity
That in this moment
Infers only stress in my mind
It’s the self-reflection
The self-judgement
Self-assumption
That an adult
If that I am
Should be stronger
Should be wiser
Should be harder
Than to fall victim
To my own brain

​

And sometimes I am
Sometimes
I am stronger
I am wiser
I am harder
Than the destructive thoughts
And the unhelpful chemicals
That flood my brain
Or drain from it
But on this occasion
At this particular midnight
I am not
This midnight
It gets me.